I Love You
by Samantha Novak
Summary: All they wanted was a family. All they seemed to get was heartache. A couple sad moments between Sam and Castiel. Drabble. Rated T to be safe for mentions of mpreg (male pregnancy) and mentions of miscarriage in chapter two. Sam/Castiel. Started because of an image from DeviantArt - link inside. Continued because I was asked for more.
1. Chapter 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **_I've been into Sastiel lately and I found a cute image on DeviantArt of Sam and Cas. It made me want to write so this is what I came up with. __You can find the image here – just remove the spaces. __ ste3o . deviantart art/ I-love-you- 483634541_

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Sam Winchester pushed an anxious hand back through his hair as he paced back and forth across his room in the bunker. Which wasn't easy since the room was small and he had such long legs. But he just couldn't sit still. He cast a worried glance to the door, waiting for Castiel to return but was met with silence like every time before that. He couldn't even make out any sound of Dean working. With a sigh, he sat on the edge of the bed to wait, dropping his head into his hands.

Under normal circumstances, the wait for the results of a pregnancy test wouldn't be so agonizing. But Castiel had only had a few heat cycles ever since he first came into heat a few years ago and each time they tried to conceive, they just couldn't. Each test came back negative and each time, Castiel wasn't the same for days. Sam understood his angel's pain though. The hunter wanted a baby just as badly. He had always wanted a family of his ow. And he couldn't imagine having one with anyone but Castiel.

The door slowly creaked open and Sam's head shot up in eagerness only to have his heart shatter at the devastated look in his angel's ice blue eyes. Without a word, Sam was up and crossing to Castiel, gathering the smaller male into his arms. There were no words to soothe the sobs that Castiel muffled into his chest, nothing he could do to make this pain go away. The only thing they could do was mourn the child they couldn't conceive and try again when they were ready the next time Castiel fell into heat.

"Sam," Castiel sobbed, gripping his shirt in a tight fist as the other arm wrapped around him, clutching him desperately as if he were afraid Sam would vanish. The angel shook and gasped for breath as he cried, tears soaking his face and Sam's shirt.

"I know, angel," Sam whispered, keeping one arm around Castiel and running the other lightly through his hair in a soothing gesture. "It will happen," he urges.

He gently lowers them to the floor and pulls the angel into his lap so Castiel straddled him then brought his knees up behind him. One hand remained on the back of his head and the other moved down to rest on his thigh. Castiel kept his hand tightly in Sam's shirt and the other arm wrapped securely around him. The angel continued to sob and Sam could only cast darkened green eyes to a spot somewhere on the floor behind them and hold his angel. He had no idea how to make this better. Not this time. Not after so many times...

"No," Castiel moaned in despair, sniffling as the tears continued to roll down his cheeks. "It won't, Sam. We've tried for _years_. I should have fallen pregnant by now. I'm just a defective angel..."

"Castiel," Sam said firmly, making the angel in his arms twitch in surprise and blink up at him through watery eyes Sam brought a hand up to lightly wipe away the tears as he continued. "There is _nothing_ wrong with you, do you understand? This is not your fault. We _will _have a baby. And we'll love that baby to death because he will be the most precious gift we could ever have."

Castiel nearly burst into laughter at how cheesy and cliched Sam's words were. But at the same time, they made him feel calmer. He knew Sam was right. He knew after so much devastation that when they finally did have a baby, they would feel just that much more love for him. He sniffled and a few more tears dripped down his face as hiccuped a few times as a few remaining sobs bubbled forth. He was much more camler than he had been a few moments ago.

"I love you," Castiel whispered, pressing a grateful kiss to Sam's neck and letting out a heavy sigh as he relaxed. It still hurt but it didn't sting so bad now.

"I love you, too," Sam whispered, tightening his hold on his angel.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **_So, it's short and probably no good... __But the artist's picture broke my heart and I wanted so badly to write something that went along with it. So here it is._


	2. Chapter 2

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **_Okay, so, I wasn't planning on this being more than a little drabble but a friend asked for more and I came up with this. XD_

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After another month or two, Castiel fell into heat once more. This time, he was going to try to ignore it as much as he could manage. He was not going to give in to his body's demand for Sam. No clinging to his hunter's side just to sate the craving for his touch. No more touching Sam in the places Castiel knew would get him wanting just so he would scratch the intense itch for sex the heat gave him. Castiel was having none of it. If he had to suffer from the heat without getting the child he so desperately wanted, he was done trying, done letting the heat control him.

Except sheer willpower wasn't enough. He lasted three long, agonizing days. When the heat became too much to bear, he locked himself in the bathroom and scratched the itch without Sam's help but it never fully went away and he was always left irritable. After three days, he couldn't take it anymore. Clearly, trying to sate it himself wasn't going to work and he had snapped at Sam out of frustration more than once which made him feel worse. It was time to just give in. And Sam was more than happy to scratch that itch multiple times for his angel.

This time, Castiel didn't bother to get a test. He wasn't purposely trying and was sure it wouldn't have worked anyway. But when the heat faded and he felt something off about his grace, he gave in and got one. Just to be positive he wasn't pregnant this time either. It had to be something else about his grace. Surely, his grace wasn't trying to support a child. He had no guess as to _what _and the thought of something else being wrong scared him but he was so sure _that _was not it that he accepted the fact that he could be seriously sick.

But he wasn't sick. When Castiel took the test – Sam waiting by the door this time instead of in their room – and it turned up positive, he was sorely tempted to get a few more just to be sure. But something told him this was it. This was the real thing. He was _pregnant. _Finally and truly pregnant. The realization hit him and he began to cry on the bathroom floor. When Sam barged in, afraid something was wrong, Castiel silently offered up the test. Once Sam saw the positive, he joined his angel on the floor, weeping in joy.

Their joy was short lived, however.

A few months into his pregnancy, before he'd even begun showing, Castiel woke up one morning with a fever which worried him immensely. Sam tried to calm him and tell him he just needed to rest and relax but as the day dragged on and so did his fever, Castiel only grew more worried. Later that evening, he refused dinner, complaining of discomfort in his stomach. Sam was still positive he was only sick and he just needed to take care of himself for their baby and he'd feel better soon. But that night, when he began bleeding...

Castiel wasn't okay for weeks after that. Before, when there was no baby but a lack of conception, he'd be alright after a few days, a week tops. "We can always try again" they would say. This time, they'd _had _a baby. But they didn't get to _have _their baby. Castiel couldn't understand why it had happened. Why had they been denied so long then given what they had so desperately craved only for it to be ripped away? The angel _dreaded _his next heat cycle...

One morning, Sam woke to find Castiel's side of the bed empty. He found him in the empty room next door. The one they had intended for their baby but hadn't gotten around to start decorating. The angel was sitting in the center of the floor, hugging his knees. Sam could make out soft sniffles as Castiel began to rock himself slightly.

"Hey... Cas..." he said softly, slowly moving to kneel beside him.

With no warning, Castiel let out a sob and threw himself into Sam's arms, clinging to him and trembling at the force of his sobs. "Why?!" he wailed. Sam knew exactly what he meant.

"I... I don't know, angel," Sam whispered, pulling Castiel into his lap and holding him tightly. He began to rock him gently and rub his back. "I wish I knew..."

"It's not fair, Sam!" Castiel sobbed, gripping Sam's shirt tightly. "It took _years! _It was years before we finally conceived and then it was ripped away from us after such a short time and I want to know _why! _Fucking why..." he whispered before dissolving into sobs once more. "I... I couldn't even feel it... I wasn't far enough along to feel it yet..."

"I know," Sam said again, burying his face into his angel's shoulder and inhaling the scent of ozone and cinnamon that was uniquely Castiel. He didn't know how to make this better. Nothing he thought to say would be good enough, would take away the pain. This hurt him just as badly.

They sat there on the floor in each others' arms for several hours, the silence only broken by Castiel's occasional sob or hitched breath. There were no words to fix this. Not this time. No "We can try again"s were said. No "It'll be alright"s. No "We still have each other"s. There wa snothing either could say to the other to take away this deep hurt.

The only thing they could say to each other for the moment was "I love you."

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **_Yep, I'm still mean to Sastiel. Still no babies. But I'm thinking I might add a few more chapters and give them a baby. XD I'd just thought I'd keep with the theme from the last chapter when I was asked for more. By the way, I'm probably wrong in the timeline of a miscarriage (It probably goes quicker than the symptoms spread over one day) but it wasn't a main plot element (Well, it sorta was but I didn't need to go in depth with it) so I'm not too worried if I'm wrong._


	3. Chapter 3

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Wow, the response for the last chapter was amazing! I love you guys and reviews like that! So, of course, I had to continue and give them a baby!_

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It took nearly six months for Castiel to feel alright enough to try for a baby again. He only fell into heat once in that time and was due for another cycle soon. Sam had waited patiently, offering his angel all the love and support he needed. Not long after they made the decision to try again, Castiel fell into heat once more. They called it luck when they successfully conceived.

When Castiel had taken the test, he couldn't watch the results appear. He'd left it in the bathroom and paced their room. Sam sat with him; he didn't want to see it until Castiel saw it. When Castiel returned with the little white stick, he was smiling sheepishly.

"I don't want to get too excited," he admitted. "But it says it's positive..."

Sam, however, couldn't contain his joy, sweeping his angel into his arms and pressing a firm kiss to his pink lips. "It'll be okay, Cas," he promised. "We've tried for so long and had it taken once already. This _has _to be it."

After a few silent moments of obvious hesitation on the angel's part, he finally nodded. "Yes. I will stay positive," he promised.

And it worked. In no time, Castiel had made it past the three month mark and way past the point he'd miscarried last time. He knew – and Sam reminded him – that not every pregnancy was the same, even for the same person. But it still made him feel a little better that he'd made it a bit longer. Sam watched as his angel rounded and filled out, and the knowledge that Castiel was carrying a _life _within him was... It nearly made the hunter fall in love with his angel all over again.

This time, they decorated the baby's room. They chose dark wood furniture with gray bedding that had white lacework which made the gray seem silver. Once Castiel was able to detect the gender and they learned it was a girl, they decided on her name and had it painted above her crib. It felt real this time. Both of them were absolutely _positive _that they would get their baby this time.

The rest of the nine months passed quicker than either expected and the big day was passed in joy and anticipation; Castiel hardly noticed the pain. Then they were finally – _finally! _– holding their baby girl. After her arrival, they'd settled together in bed, Castiel holding her and Sam holding Castiel. The angel couldn't stop grinning down at her, and Sam couldn't stop the tears of joy down his face.

"Sam," Castiel breathed in awe.

"I know, Cas," Sam said with a grin, looking down at their baby.

After a few more moments of silence, watching their daughter sleep, Castiel tilted his head back to smile at Sam.

"I love you," he said, voice warm with affection.

Sam kissed him soft and slow then rested his head on his shoulder and watched their baby. "I love you two."

And Castiel knew he meant the both of them.

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**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **_So how was it? I'm not looking for long chapters for this one (though I'm thinking of writing a chapter story with Sastiel as the pairing. Will probably contain mpreg as well, too), and I never meant it to be longer than a drabble. Though I am pleased it got such a response! So I hope this was sufficient._


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